A genuine, heartfelt apology is a powerful step
toward mending hurt feelings and finding a resolution. A half-assed apology, on
the other hand, can be worse than none at all.
The difference between a sincere apology and cheap one has a lot to do with how it’s phrased. Word to the wise: If you say “sorry” and then immediately follow it with a conditional word like “but” or “if,” you’re headed in the wrong direction. We asked therapists to share the phrases you should avoid when trying to apologize to a friend, family member, significant other or pretty much anyone, for that matter. Here’s what they had to say.
The difference between a sincere apology and cheap one has a lot to do with how it’s phrased. Word to the wise: If you say “sorry” and then immediately follow it with a conditional word like “but” or “if,” you’re headed in the wrong direction. We asked therapists to share the phrases you should avoid when trying to apologize to a friend, family member, significant other or pretty much anyone, for that matter. Here’s what they had to say.
1. “I’m sorry you feel that way:”
“Even though this phrase begins with the words,
‘I’m sorry,’ it is not a real apology. It does not take ownership of any
wrongdoing. It does not communicate remorse for your actions, and it does not
express any empathy towards the other person’s feelings. Instead, it may imply
that you think the other person is being irrational or overly sensitive. Try to
understand and take responsibility for how your actions or words hurt the other
person, saying something like, ‘I’m sorry that I canceled our plans at the last
minute. It was inconsiderate of your time and I understand why you are angry at
me:’”
2. “I’m sorry I said that, but I never would have
if you hadn’t behaved the way you did:”
“Again, we are hearing blame. ‘Look what you made
me do.’ This is not an apology for one’s behavior but actually a maneuver to
hold the other person responsible for one’s behavior. In other words, ‘You
caused me to say this to you.’ We are all responsible for our behavior, no
matter what the other person says or does. A heartfelt apology is to recognize
the pain we cause and own our behavior: ‘I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did
and upset you:”
3. “I was stressed out!” (or tired…or hungry…):
“This makes a recurrence of the offense almost
inevitable. Always connect the apology to the future. For example, ‘The next
time I feel that way (whatever triggered the offense), I will remember that I
love you and that our bond is so important to me,’ or, ‘I’ll make sure I get
centered in my values so I don’t act on impulse.’ The subtext should always be:
‘I’m sorry that I hurt you and harmed the bond between us.’”
4. “I said I’m sorry already, why can’t you just
let it go?”
“Blaming your partner for not immediately
accepting your apology, forgiving you and moving on is unrealistic and unfair.
For an apology to be effective, it must be clear that: 1) You accept full
responsibility for your actions and inactions; 2) You are sincerely sorry for
anything you've done to cause pain and 3) That you want to remedy the situation
by giving your partner what they need to feel safe in order to move on and
forgive you. Not all apologies lead to immediate forgiveness. It may take time.
And it may take apologizing more than once. Start by asking what your partner
needs in order to trust you and feel safe and then do it.
5. “I was reacting to…”“This is an excuse, not an
apology.”
6. “I’m sorry if I offended you:”
“This is an example of a conditional apology that
doesn’t truly acknowledge any remorse or personal responsibility. By using the
word ‘if,’ you are communicating that the problem isn’t really about what you
did, but is about how the person reacted to what you did instead. Essentially,
this type of ‘non-apology’ places the blame back onto the person it’s directed
at. Simply remove the word ‘if,’ and your apology can take on a whole new
meaning: ‘I’m sorry I offended you. I will make sure to be more considerate and
careful with my words in the future.
7. “I may have done this, but you did that:”
“Try to avoid keeping score and bringing up times
when the other person was in the wrong. An apology is about you acknowledging
the wrongfulness of your own actions and making amends; it is not about
pointing fingers at other people as a way to justify your actions.