Apologies are a funny
thing. Everyone likes to get them. When you need to give them, things get
tricky. As soon as your ego gets involved, you’re in trouble. And let’s be
honest, it always gets involved. Apologizing means admitting you’re wrong, and
no one likes to be wrong.
Apologies also force
you to be vulnerable with your loved ones, and vulnerability is scary. It means
you’re emotionally undressing yourself. You’re opening yourself up to danger
(or so we think).
So when it comes to
saying “sorry,” you may offer up the white flag in the most non-committal,
inauthentic way possible. If you’ve ever said, “I’m sorry, okay?” you know what
I’m talking about. Then there are the “I’m sorry you feel that way”
non-apologies. It’s tough to say which is worse.
Apologies aren’t easy
to give but they are one of the most powerful tools for communication at your
disposal in any relationship. Apologies allow both parties to feel heard and
expressed. They also open up a dialogue for you and your partner to come to a
deeper understanding of each other’s feelings. If you get stuck on saying
you’re sorry, don’t worry. You’re not alone. These are my favorite tips to get
myself to a sincere apology. Hopefully, they’ll help you, too:-
DO IT N PERSON:
That means no apology
texts or voicemails. A genuine apology opens up a dialogue between you and your
partner, so that means there needs to be a back and forth. Doing it in person
or at least over the phone is essential. (Video works too!) Clear communication
is essential in an apology. Don’t want to leave any room for misinterpretation,
which can lead to more hurt feelings!
TIMING IS EVERYTHING:
Apologize as soon as
you know you hurt someone. The sooner you apologize the more sensitive your
partner will know you are. Part of a relationship is learning your partner’s
sensitivities and being in tune with them even when they don’t verbalize a
specific need. A quick apology saves the buildup of contempt and shows off your
thoughtfulness.
DIG DIP:
Don’t apologize only
because you know you were in the wrong. Try to empathize with the hurt your
actions caused and express your understanding of this pain. Dig deep into the
emotional impact of the actions you’re apologizing for. You may uncover wounds
and triggers in the process. You may realize that you need to own up for a
long-standing negative pattern. Ask yourself why you did the thing you did and
be prepared to own up to something deeper than you expected. Being thorough in
your apology shows the necessary emotional understanding that will help your
relationship heal. Begin with clarity. Clarity will bring authenticity to your
apology.